Much to do with nothing

2008-07-04T17:36:00.003-04:00

i think i'll be using this for serious and lengthy updates, my day to day blog is
http://lacatface.livejournal.com/
my updated CONSTANTLY twitter is
http://twitter.com/akissonthebrain

2008-06-30T04:10:00.003-04:00

i honestly don't know what to do. i want to move so badly and it's killing me that i can't right now. the thought of how the hell i'm going to get the money is a constant stress. i mean, right now, i don't even have a car, my family doesn't have a car and i'm not even going to get into the rant of how retarded the loss of the family car is. but, there really aren't any places around here hiring, if they are, they're hiring for night shifts, and i'd be needing to walk there at night. around here, that really isn't safe. at this point, i'm really concidering the risk, it's the only way i'll get out of here. aunt linda will never give me the money, i can't get a loan, well, i might be able to if i could get a job, but i'd need colaterall and i don't have anything at all to use, i don't have a title to a car, i really don't have anything at all. i really don't know. i guess i'll try to get that night shift at the supermarket, sure it's a mile long walk in the middle of the night, but it's the only way. a night shift would work, i'd get in home in time to see dave for a bit, then get a bit of sleep, wake up to have a little more time with him then hop off to work to do it all over again. i dunno, i really don't. but, i'll figure something out, i always do. i really hope i do, i want nothing more to be somewhere else, with the love of my life and all the good times ahead of me. springfield is basically everything i've always wanted in a town and i just hope to god i'll figure out a way to get there. moving will be like really starting my life. well, the moment i fell in love with dave, my life REALLY started but moving will be like starting the rest of my future. i'll get it all sorted out, at least that's what i keep telling myself.

2008-06-24T01:43:00.002-04:00

i finally got the balls to tell him i love him. well, not really, i wimped out and said it in greek. nice cat, really fucking smooth. but it worked, thank god for google translator =P anyways, things haven't been better. i dunno, i gave up on trying to explain how amazing he is, words don't really get it. so, since i've given up trying to word the awesomeness, i'll talk about something else. how about i talk about...hmmm, my headphones! they're KICK ASS! i just got them tonight, i love em. no more taped up, sandy, rattling earbuds of doom. ^_^

2008-06-16T18:29:00.002-04:00

so, things with 'person 1' are still amazing and i'm hoping that never changes. i've always thought the best relationships are had between two people that are best friends. i've found that with him, he's my best friend. he's amazing, sweet, funny, caring, smart, handsome, charming, cute and perfect. he calls me beautiful and gorgeous a lot, every time he says it, i'm not sure what to say because it means the world and more to me. so, there's the relationship front. in other news, i started hand rolling my cigarettes. i really like it! i like bugler menthol best out of all of the tobacco i've tried. i can get roughly 20 cigarettes out of a packet of tobacco, that's a pack of cigarettes for $2.09 what a fucking deal! SCORE! speaking of money, i hope to save up and get some cash from god knows where so that i can maybe move mid-fall. but here's the thing, i'll need a few thousand dollars and i'll need a car, so, that's roughly $5,000 or more that i'll need to get by early fall to be able to move mid-fall. that will be quite a tough thing to do. maybe i'll shoot for late fall/early winter to move >.<

2008-06-09T03:55:00.003-04:00

a lot has happened in the past few days. like, A LOT. the best being that person 1 and i had a talk, one he started (thank god, i'm totally fucking chicken) and he and i are now together. i'm pretty much as happy as humanly possible. ever since the day i met him, i knew he was something special. when i talk to him, everything is okay, no matter what's going on around me. he makes me smile so much, no scratch that, he makes me smile all of the time. my cheeks hurt very frequently, but i wouldn't have it any other way. he's such an amazing person, inside and out. i feel comfortable with him, comfortable to be me, to say what i want when i want. that's a rare thing to find for me. he makes me really, really happy all the time. i can't think of a single time i've been really upset, sad or mad when i was talking to him. i'm such a cheeseball, when i see 'in a relationship' on his myspace, i can help but smile as big as possible because i know he's with me. SUCH a cheeseball, i know. when he leaves or goes to bed or something, i miss him almost as soon as he leaves, ya know, because i'm pretty much made of cheese. i haven't been this happy since i can remember. =3

2008-06-06T20:52:00.003-04:00

i challenge you to a rock off! nah, you'd kick my ass =P
sorry, i was listening to the final show down with beezleboss from the pick of destiny.
so, i had a really weird dream. ex, person 1 and i were hanging out and i hugged person 1. ex lost it and started freaking out, the two of them started fighting and i was just sitting there scared out of my mind that they were going to get hurt. i got all macho and shit and hopped in the middle of them. somehow i stopped the fight and then we went to get popsicles...what the fuck? SO WEIRD. i'm one of those people that analyzes dreams because i'm a fool. i wonder what the hell that means. i dunno, it's weird. but anyways, i slept all day...again. uh yeah, i'm not in much of a talky mood as far as blogging goes. yeah.

2008-06-03T03:26:00.002-04:00

person 1, who could you be!? ha. yeah, one word: swinging. i've probably said the things i'm about to say a hundred times but that's okay, nearly no one reads this so not too many people will be killed by how redundant i can be. i love that every minute feels like a blink of an eye when i'm talking to him, how i feel happy no matter what, how i'm somehow better, that in some weird way everything just feels...right. i'm a total cheeseball, i know this. anyways, since i have nothing to get up for in the morning, i'm gonna go catch a few Z's. goodnight cyberspace.

2008-06-01T17:18:00.002-04:00

so, the birthday was spent talking to a friend, drinking cheap wine, smoking camel wides and being confused. i'm another year older and all the more confused. no, no that is a lie. i'm not confused. i know just where i am, what i'm doing, who i should be with, what i shouldn't have done and what i should have said. i've got this.

anyways, i just got all of madonna's singles. =D
i'm off, until next time...AVENGE PLUTO!

lawlz.

2008-05-29T07:15:00.000-04:00

so, i just need to vent some good things before i explode with valentine's day decorations =P

i love that talking with person 1 is never strained or stress, that i don't feel like i need to dazzle him with my knowledge or epic humor. i love that i can be me and still know he's there, that talking to him is like hitting the pause button on the rest of the world. we start talking and next thing i know it's 6 hours later and we've discussed everything from pillows to george a. romero. i love that no matter how long we talk, i never want it to end, i don't want to go to sleep, i don't want to catch a tv show, i just want to keep talking to him. i'd bet you a million dollars this sounds over the top and mildly creepy. if it is, i'm not sorry. it's how i feel and i'm not changing that. go down to your local park and go swinging, that's what talking to him feels like for me. i've said swinging feels like love, that was wrong, it feels like being around and talking to the person you like. i wouldn't call this love, not by a long shot. love grows, that would take a long while. not only that, but i wouldn't drop a hint at the L bomb ON MY BLOG. if i were feeling like that, i would tell him straight up. i'll be the first to admit it: i fall for people quickly. but i don't fall in love like that. it's just not how i roll. wow, 'how i roll'? that was...uh, SP.ED. for sure. but yeah, i'm really happy. happy is good, dude.

2008-05-27T18:36:00.000-04:00

TCC is starting to become a bit more of a bother than a hobby. my settings are fucked so i can't do a show tonight like i wanted to, which fucking blows. i love the idea behind it, though. it's something i can create on my own, that makes ME happy. i love doing the show, i honestly do. it's just really frustrating to switch to another platform. not only that, but i have to bust my ass to make sure i'm not stepping on a friend's toes as far as shows go, i really have to watch what i do, say, talk about and play to make sure they don't think i'm trying to be them or copy them. i'm not, for sure. what they do is what they do and i couldn't do it as well as them, even if i were to try.
on another note, i was really confused as to where i was at between "ex" and "person 1" but i'm not anymore. i want someone who likes who i am, who wants to talk to me as much as i want to talk to them and i simply didn't get that from "ex". which is totally fine, it still hurts a part of me, yes, but i'm not looking for someone i need to change. "ex" and i are good friends still, which is good. i like that. i'm happy with where i'm at with "person 1". i like that nothing is pressured and rushed, i like that we're getting to know each other. i think that rushing into a relationship dooms it. i believe the proof of this is in the history of "ex" and i. i don't want that to happen here. i'd rather not be "with" him and be good friends than have the relationship flop and have a friendship that is awkward and strained. i think friendship will always be more important to me than a romantic relationship. when i have feelings for someone, the most important thing is just having them around. pet names and "i love you"s will never beat inside jokes and endless discussions on everything and nothing. honestly, i feel really lucky to have met someone i can be so happy with, without even being "with" them. not many people get to be as happy as i am. so, i'm not sure where things are headed but no matter where it's going, i feel like it's going to be good.

2008-05-22T23:14:00.000-04:00

i'm really happy. it still hurts a little that "ex" won't really talk to me, but then again, he never did which is part of the reason we couldn't be something. i've got to give that up. i've found someone amazing and i'm not letting past shit fuck with that. i just feel like today is the day i need to move on, i've said all i can say and i'll leave it at that.

2008-05-22T10:38:00.000-04:00

while it doesn't hurt me that i ended things once and for all with "ex", it does hurt me that he won't talk to me at all. i want to be friends, i really do. i do, honestly, care about him. just not romantically. he is very near and dear to me. i care so much about him, i just couldn't wait around at the risk that he might not ever want me again. so, i moved on. i can only be dropped so many times before i give up hope for a romance with someone. i just hope that someday soon, he'll at the very least speak to me.

2008-05-21T19:58:00.000-04:00

you know, this is probably a really stupid worry. but i'm pretty scared that i'm going to scare the guy i like off with my crazy family issues. i'm really comfortable talking to him, no doubt. i just worry a bit that my crazy family bullshit will push him away. honestly, i don't believe it would be easy to scare him off, he's too great of a guy. i think it's just a fear that i'll fuck this chance up.
someone once responded to my description of what i'm looking for in another person with this "that person's got some pretty big shoes to fill." well, i guess he's got some pretty big feet, then. at this point, i don't want to rush into a relationship, that usually never ends well. i want to get to know him better and eventually start something when we have a strong friendship built up. =]

2008-05-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

so, i listened to "ex"'s friend's radioshow tonight, where he was co-hosting for the evening. they were on the phone with someone else that he's got something going with and that's when it hit me- i don't want him anymore. to hear him speaking like that would have hurt me if i still had feelings for him but instead i was laughing and going "that man must hit that". and on a better note, i talked to "person 1" and some words were said, good ones. so, that's really great. good day for the cat. =D

2008-05-20T13:51:00.000-04:00

i hate this town. i hate the lingering feeling that i'll never escape. i know i will, but lately i just want out right now. i don't know where i'd go, what i do and who'd i'd be with. right now, the only thing holding me together is hope, dreams and longing. i'm so confused with my own life. 18 is ten days away and i couldn't be more confused as to who i am anymore. i know everyone else, but i couldn't understand me if i tried! i have this fear looming over me that'll never understand me but another part of me thinks that i'll get myself soon enough and i just can rush it. one day, this will all make sense and i'll look back at this time in my life and giggle.

2008-05-19T16:47:00.000-04:00

pour some tea yo (4:17:50 PM): s'all 8r00t4l.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:18:01 PM): OMG copy off me more plz
pour some tea yo (4:18:26 PM): OMG copy off me more plz
"ANONYMOUS" (4:18:30 PM): OMG
pour some tea yo (4:18:34 PM): OMG
"ANONYMOUS" (4:18:41 PM): Anonymous's soo cute
pour some tea yo (4:18:49 PM): Anonymous's soo cute
"ANONYMOUS" (4:19:11 PM): i cant eat kielbasa without thinking of him, for some reason ;]
pour some tea yo (4:19:29 PM): i cant eat kielbasa without thinking of him, for some reason ;]
"ANONYMOUS" (4:19:34 PM): l3o42l4
pour some tea yo (4:19:55 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:20:36 PM): l3o42l4
"ANONYMOUS" (4:21:54 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:22:25 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:22:31 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:22:44 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:07 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:23:12 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:14 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:23:24 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:24 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:23:28 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:29 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:23:36 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:38 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:23:41 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:42 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:23:47 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:48 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:23:56 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
"ANONYMOUS" (4:23:58 PM): haha that one made me giggle.
pour some tea yo (4:24:09 PM): haha that one made me giggle.

"Anonymous" is the best ever. I really don't feel good at all, but that silly conversation made me feel bettuh. Yeah, bettuh. Not better. Bettuh.

2008-05-17T23:10:00.000-04:00

i'm not much good at ignoring my desire to talk about romance. so here we go, all those who may read this: go away NOW.

i went for a walk earlier and i stopped at the park and went swinging. i started swinging, got some height and closed my eyes. i realized what it feels like just then, swinging feels like...well, it feels like love. okay, maybe not love, but something like love. it feels like talking to the person you like, like talking about everything and nothing until you fall asleep on the key board. so, during my walk, i thought about the way things are going with me. i find it odd that the best people for me are always some far from me. and i find it even more odd that just months ago i thought i was pure lesbian and right now, i don't even find myself attracted to women. it's just odd. yeah. i need to get up early. NIGHT!

2008-05-17T18:28:00.000-04:00

i love inside jokes and and talking until i can't stay up anymore. it's what i live for and i'm glad i found it. i may get bored, but at least i have someone to talk to. you know what? i talk about love and things like that too much in here. let's talk about something else. i'm sick of living in this shitty town and i fully over being my aunt's little bitch slave. that stupid whore can pop on some cinder block flip flops and go for a swim. seriously, she didn't have to move us up here. she could have given us the money we needed and had it be over, but instead she moved unstable people to a tiny town she knew we wouldn't fit into. that's nice, right!? fuck that. i'm getting out of this one horse town as soon as possible. i'm trying to pick where i want to go. wisconsin? illinois? florida? i don't know, but we'll all see where i end up, somewhere nice, i hope. idk, right now i just want a ne computer lol. but that won't happen right now, no one in this shitty town will give me a job. whatever, i'll just wait and see where all of this goes. this is annoying, love and relationships are the only things i have real opinions and views on, politics can suck it, all of this is just so...boring. i'm so random. i can't seem to hold one thought for more than a moment. i think i want to bake a cake or something.

2008-05-15T22:49:00.000-04:00

I hate the lie that our box office hits have told us, I hate that is cliché and I hate that people believe it's true! The lie that I'm referring to is that if you get out of a relationship and find someone within a few weeks, it's not real, it's a rebound. Bullshit. If you get out of a relationship and you find someone you think you'd be better with, that luck, that's a gift. I'm not saying that every new relationship isn't a rebound, some are for some people. But I'm sick of hearing that people hate it when people bounce from person to person. What the hell, honestly? I've been in five relationships, how do I bounce from person to person? Please explain it to me because I don't understand it. I was told not to "use someone to get over someone else". Really? Some of my closest friends don't seem to know me at all. I wouldn't have feelings for "person 1" if I wasn't over "ex". I'm not capable of having equally powerful feelings for two separate people, I'm not that kind of a person. People don't see that I was deeply hurt by my "relationship" with "ex" but after looking at the situation in new light, he was right, I was wrong and I really haven't wanted him back since the day I lost him. He and I just...aren't right for each other. I'd cite the age as an issue, but that's not it. He and I handle things differently, we couldn't communicate and that's a huge part of a relationship. How could I honestly have feelings for someone I can't talk to? I couldn't. I crave communication and that's not something I could get out of that relationship or that guy, it's just not how he works. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love him, he's a great guy, really funny and very smart but in retrospect, it was mere infatuation, he's not right for me and while I hate to admit it, I think I knew that all along. In regards to that relationship, I told a friend of mine that "It wasn't what I signed up for...I was looking for a Hellogoodbye song and I got a Cinemax special..." which is really...true. I was looking for intense feelings and I got lackluster fleeting moments of affection. If I had the chance to go back and change how things went, I wouldn't. Not a bit. I was honest and true, as was he, and we just weren't right for each other which really doesn't bother me. Sometimes two people just don't fit. People recently seem to believe I'll jump at anything similar to me. No. I've erased the idea I had of who I wanted, my dreams and goals as far as lovers go. Right now, I'm into someone, "person 1" and I'm really glad I'm friends with them. I'm not jumping into telling them, I want to sort out my thoughts, know what I feel and develop a closer knit friendship. In my eyes, a good friendship is the back bone of any relationship and I want to make sure, if something happens, that the back bone is there. The thing that worries me is losing their friendship if I reveal my feelings to them, and they don't feel the same. Or starting something, having it not work out and losing the friendship like what happened with "ex". I've gotta sort out my thoughts, do they make mind file folders? That would be nice, maybe the hanging kind.

2008-05-14T12:35:00.001-04:00

It's amazing how logic can help heartache. It still hurts a tiny bit that I can't be his dream girl or whatever you'd call it, but his point in all of this is more logical than mine. I try to use logic more than love. He wants just what I'm not and most of me is cool with that. Here's more of how I feel on it. The person I was speaking with will remain anonymous .

anonymous (12:23:07 PM): i dont get it

pour some tea yo (12:23:15 PM): Don't get what?

anonymous (12:23:24 PM): the age thing

pour some tea yo (12:24:00 PM): I don't either, I really did not see it as an issue, but all he really saw in me was my age and what I don't have. Which got really annoying.

pour some tea yo (12:25:56 PM): I mean, I guess he forgot that I burned a lot of bridges to remain "with him" or that when he was royally and I couldn't help, I cried my little pudgy face off. Ya know, that shit doesn't matter. The 11 years and not knowing his favorite childhood cereal, that DOES matter, though.

pour some tea yo (12:26:13 PM): *royally fucked

anonymous (12:26:42 PM): that shit doesnt matter really.

anonymous (12:26:49 PM): experience=experience=experience

anonymous (12:27:03 PM): why would you want someone who went through EVERYTHING you did

pour some tea yo (12:28:24 PM): I couldn't tell ya. That's apparently what he wants, though. So, I really hope he finds that chick that's been through all he has, along with good looks. you know, that always mysterious dream girl. m

anonymous (12:29:07 PM): they exist.

pour some tea yo (12:29:41 PM): I don't doubt it, it can just take years to find 'em.

So, I've been trying to be into other people. Which I've successfully accomplished, but I seem to pick people who are either incapable of being into me, or are involved with other people. I really know how to pick them. But I have created a "type" for myself, when it comes to men. The geek (think WoW and comics.) who's a little chubs and has those cutie patootie glasses. Think Ben Gibbard with his face buried in a Green Lantern comic. It's not that I don't find skinny men attractive or anything, it's just that I more prefer a nerd who knows a good sammich. Oh, and a chubs nerd with glasses who smokes like I do is even hotter. As far as type when it comes to women, think Kitty Walls and Dita Von Teese. Ooh la la. A girl who can apply her lipstick better than I? That's as sexy as it gets. Anyways, back to men seeing as that's what I've been interested in lately. Back to who I suppose you could dub my "ex", though I'd use that term as loosely as I can. Interaction has been very...elementary school. I suppose poking fun at each other is the easiest way to remain friends without getting emotion tossed in the mix. If you'd like to know how our relationship is at the moment, you can look to Marten and Faye of the webcomic Questionable Content. The tension of their relationship, mostly on Faye's side nearly mirrors how things are between he and I. or you could look to Eliot and JD in the first, oh, three seasons of Scrubs. It's like that without the hooking up every once in a while. I'd be JD, for the most part. Ironically, I seem to have the relationship history of JD as well...but anyways. So, things are good I guess you could say. I'm trying to keep my mind off of the things going on at home, as that stress on top of everything else might cause my poor, frail mind to shatter. On another "ex" note, I still wake up early to get ready and be cute for the show, even though it's not like well applied eye liner will win him back and make up for the age. Whatever, I need to realize that I cannot be all he's looking for, stop holding myself up to those standards and move on. It's clear that he's not what I'm looking for anyways. I want someone I can speak freely with. With him, the conversation is, and always was, rather awkward and strained. With someone else I'm somewhat interested in, I can comfortably talk. I can talk with him about anything and feel comfortable. With the "ex"? No. I was constantly checking the conversation to make sure what I was saying was relevant and alright to say, you can't have a relationship with that kind of stress, it's too much to handle. By the way, I will always keep other people anonymous, as it is not fair to name drop here, seeing as what I say can be biased. I'll refer to the person I was formerly interested in and loosely involved with as "ex" as it is the easiest thing to come up with, though I'd rather not refer to him as "ex" because I wouldn't classify him as my ex because I wouldn't say we were ever in enough of a relationship to have truly "broken up" which is how he would end up an "ex". It's clear he had the same feelings on this bit as I, so I don't feel bad. It just wasn't supposed to happen, we're just not...compatible. Part of me is still optimistic and wanting him, while the logical part of me is ready to rip the optimistic part of me's head off. It's an interesting inner conflict with a highly comedic dialog. Anyways, no one will read this, I'll bet. But if anyone does care enough to get this far into the post, I apologize for any grammatical errors, typos and other such mistakes. I'll be seeing you, blogger. Ta ta for now!

2008-05-11T04:20:00.001-04:00

I hate whining, but sometimes you just need to let it out. I'm really sick of picking the wrong people, I'm sick of being hurt. I get it, he can't deal. I can't make him feel otherwise, though I wish I could. I feel like I should follow my own advice and talk to him about it, but I know the age is just an excuse. I know it's not the age, it's me. I'll never learn, I'll always fall for people who simply can't want me. At this point, I feel like I'll die a cold, lonely person. I need to accept the fate and move on. I can't make someone care for me, I only wish I could not care about them. This guy is a great friend, and I want to care for him as such, I just don't want to want him anymore, because I can't have him and I know it. Saying this now is a waste of time and space but I felt like getting it out. I know I should talk to him and tell him, a bulletin is not the place for such things. I know talking to him would be useless, I know I'll never get older, and I can't make him younger. I keep tricking myself into believing the age is the issue. It's not. It's an excuse, I maybe young but I'm not an idiot. I feel like some Whiskey and Death Cab For Cutie might make me feel better, nothing else is seeming to help.

2008-05-01T08:04:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling really good. Really excited, actually. I'm stoked for The CatCast. It's going to be a lot of work broadcasting my own show, and it'll be a while before I can get the show off the ground. I mean, there is so much to do! I have the name, but that's about it for now. I need a logo, work on getting my mic to work WITH the soundcard, new stickam account, adding people, promoting, developing a schedule, choose a plethora of songs to pop in rotation and choosing co-hosts! Not to mention trying to figure out how to broadcast phone calls. It's a shit load to do, but this is something I've been thinking about doing for a long while and I'm going to take it seriously. It'll be a fun show, but I'm going to really try to make it successful. There's a chance it'll flop, but it's better to try and fail than it is to sit and wonder what could have happened. It's going to practically a full time gig, though my work will not be paid labor. I was thinking about doing a half hour Good Morning! show, just playing happy, upbeat songs that are like coffee for your ears, then doing an afternoon show. A few times a week I intend on doing a late night show. I want to do the "Jager Power Hour" at 1am EST on Friday nights, where you can hang out, listen to party music and get drunk. I was also thinking of doing CatChat on the CatCast once a week,0 where I'd get questions anonymously and address them, much like a Dear Blah Blah column in a news paper, but on my show. I also intend on doing an artist show case for the week. And my plan is to, twice a month, Do a show where all the music comes from one state or area. These are okay thoughts, I hope they bring in an audience!

2008-04-30T04:09:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling really good. That guy and I are back on at least communicative terms, which is good. But that's not why I'm good. I'm good because, well, I don't know. I was hella tired watching And God Said "HA!" so I got on the comp to say goodnight to people and what not when I got an IM from stickam saying that my friend's show was live, so I got in on that and I was feeling good. And many, many hours later, I'm still up. Weird, man. Weird.

2008-04-29T12:40:00.000-04:00

Despite former heartaches, I'm over the past and I'm ready to move on. Maybe things didn't work out for a reason, it just wasn't supposed to happen. We were just...too different. Which happens some times. But there is no sense dwelling on the past anymore, even if the past is just a few days ago. A quick recovery is good. I'm ready to pick up the pieces and be me again. I'm not about to say I want a new boyfriend or girlfriend right now, that shit can't be rushed. But I do miss those butterflies, so when the day comes that I fall again, I'll be ready and waiting.

To the former interest, thank you for the good time and the bad. It was good while we had it. Even though it's gone now, I'll always look back on that short period in my life as a good one. So, thank you for all the memories. (No, I'm not liste
ning to Fall Out Boy.)

2008-04-28T09:05:00.000-04:00

I'm not much anymore, merely a shell of what I was. I changed my hair, told friends I need a change, and it had nothing to do with him. But that's a lie. I needed a changed because I thought maybe if I looked different, he'd look at me differently. I doubt that will happen though. Such a naive thing to think. I'd like to watch the show this morning, but if I went in the room, I'd probably be kicked or banned. So, I'll have to lurk or go in under an alias. But my wording and grammar are recognizable, I'm not going through the effort of changing the way I speak to stay in. It's not what I'm about. I'll have to lurk, I suppose. I wish we could at least be civil, go back to the entertainer, viewer relationship.

2008-04-26T20:30:00.000-04:00

i don't even know what to say seriously, i'm so hurt. and exhausted. i don't think i can cry anymore. i just want another shot. and i just can't have it.

this is what went down:

pour some tea yo (3:23:49 PM): Hey, is there anyway we could talk?

the guy (3:23:59 PM): no

pour some tea yo (3:25:22 PM): God. I'm really sorry, and I can't say it enough to make it count. I just wish we could talk.

the guy (3:26:02 PM): no. this is it. i dont want to sit down and discuss it.

pour some tea yo (3:29:21 PM): Look, I fucked up, I hurt you. You have no idea of how much that kills me. I can't stop thinking about it. But I can't take it back, and I can't change what I did. All I can do is apologize.

the guy signed off at 3:32:17 PM.

the guy is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
(i changed the name to "the guy" to protect his identity.)

i'm sick of crying, all i want is just a second chance. i just want him to see how much it kills me that i hurt him, and that i just want him back. i want him just to see that i fucked this up because i felt like he deserves better. this is killing me.

2008-04-26T00:51:00.000-04:00

It's funny how everyone says that you should talk to your lover/boyfriend/whatever they are to you. I followed that advice like an idiot. The out come was something like being blown off completely. I didn't ever think he would do that, I guess he never thought that I could feel jealous. Because when you're not committed, you're not supposed to get jealous. I fucked up major. I shouldn't have been jealous, it wasn't fair. All I want is a chance to talk to him and figure it out. I mean, I fucked up huge and if he can't give it another shot with me, I get it. I would suck and I would probably drink myself silly to try to get over it, but it would make sense for him to not be able to. Hell, he's so upset that he couldn't even talk to me. I begged and begged. And he just wouldn't/couldn't. I don't know if "I'm sorry" can fix this one. Fuck dude. I REALLY fucked this up.

blah blah

2008-04-07T12:52:00.000-04:00

1.

Where you at?
Living Room

2.

Do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING?
I don't really have one.

3.

How have you felt today?
Tired

4.

When was the last time you had butterflies?
I don't know

5.

When was the last time you showered?
Honestly...Friday

6.

If you're single, why?
Don't feel like it.

7.

Have you ever kissed anyone over 17?
Oh yeah

8.

What were the last two TV shows you watched?
Good Eats, Semi Homemade

9.

Who's a celebrity you find extremely attractive?
Katherine Moennig

10.

When was the last time you talked to your number 2?
Four days ago

11.

And why might that be?
Because I was gone

12.

Something you say often:
Fuck

13.

Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
Yeah

14.

What are you wearing on your feet?
Socks

15.

Who was the last person you slept in a bed with?
Connor

16.

Last person you talked to on IM?
Krista

17.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
No

18.

Do you like your name?
Yeah

19.

What color are your fingernails?
Chipped black

20.

What's your favorite song? (currently)
Don't dance - 3OH!3

21.

Who was the last person you held hands with?
I don't know

22.

What phone do you have?
The kind that you leave at home

23.

What are your favorite lyrics right now?

When you're left with only a bullet, I'll bring the trigger and a promise to pull it

24.

Do you have feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know?
No, and in turn, the second part is a no.

25.

Things you first notice about the opposite sex:
Eyes

26.

Last person you sat next to?
I don't know

27.

Last time you were disappointed?
Today, I think

28.

Do you like being in pictures?
Not really, but for the most part, I don't care.

29.

Have you ever been more attracted to a significant other's sibling than them?
No

30.

Are you happy at the moment?
Sort of

31.

Do you tend to fall for people easily?
I tend to care too much...

32.

Do you date a lot?
Nah

33.

Is your bedroom window open?
No

34.

Do you have any tattoos, if so, which hurt the most?
None yet

35.

When was the last time you fell?
Idk

36.

Do you know anyone with a lisp?
No

37.

Who was the last person to call, what did they call for?
Grandma, to talk to mom

38.

What were you doing at 10:00am?
Trying to wake up

39.

Would you rather be cheated with, or on?
Neither

40.

How many drugs have you done in the last 7 days?
Alcohol and weed

41.

Last person who drove you somewhere?
The greyhound dude

42.

What do you hear right now?
3oh3

43.

First song you listened to today?
Up with me - Boysnightout

2008-03-28T04:32:00.000-04:00

SO, I'm pushing onward. Through the pain, through the loss, and through the proverbial mud. The loss of friends, is astounding, but as is the world. Moving up is difficult, but emotionally moving out of a space in time is far worse. I've got to pick up and be someone else, but stronger, be quieter, and far more logical. Getting older makes you strive. I'm looking at myself through the eyes of a hawk, watching how I move in the world. And I hate what I witness. I've been too loud, too dramatic, too stupid, and far too angry at the world for things that are my fault. I need to stop thinking it's someone else's fault when it's my own. This woe is me idea makes me sick. I've got it all, so who am I to complain?! No one. I've got an amazing family, every material item I could want, and still I want more? Bullshit. Self analysis is tough, but it needed to happen. I was becoming a spoiled brat, not something I want for myself. "My head hurts, wahh wahh wahh wahh! Do it for me!?" Shut the fuck up. I'm always going to be in pain, I'm not to sick to go get cigarettes but I'm too sick to clean? Shut up you whiny mother fucker. Fuck me running, I am a whiny, lazy bastard.

2008-03-05T23:48:00.001-05:00

I've been a bit lazy lately and not posting much, like you people care. You are probably skimming right now, anyway. But, UPDATE TIME! My headaches and nausea worsened and I ended up in ER last night, basically they drugged me up and sent me on my way. So, I have an appointment with a doctor on Friday, whoopie! My doctor is on Vacay so I'm seeing some bitch who'll just send me back to Neurology for a follow up. Psht.
So, my search continues for a Sidekick. My mom will do a few months of service for my birthday, but won't spring for the phone. Whatever. So, basically, I have to get my own birthday gift. Bullshit.
Today, Krista and I got the MCR tickets for April 20th at the Fillmore, I'm so excited. They got me through a lot of rough times, and so I'm really happy to be seeing them for a third time. People can say what they want, but I'll always love them. :]]

2008-02-27T02:14:00.000-05:00

I woke up feeling fine, a little irritated, but mostly alright. I went and watched the Quarterlife Webisodes and had Total with almonds and dried cranberries. Unfortunately, I could not keep the cereal in me for long. Today, I have passed up some of the best food. My mum made home made Guacamole, Veggie-Tofu Soup (specifically for me, because I need to quit eating meat, sadly) and she got me Hummus and Whole Wheat Pita. I had four bites of my amazing soup before I puked it up. I've puked a total of ten times today. The only thing I've been able to keep down is bottled water, diet Pepsi Max and five small baguette rounds. I've been smoking non-stop because the nicotine is a vasoconstrictor, which narrows the veins, which is what migraine medicine does. But today, Mom has done everything to make me feel better. She bought me a total of six 2 liters of diet Pepsi Max, 48 1/2 liter bottles of Ice Mountain water, all the fresh vegetables you could think to put in a soup, pre-sliced baguette rounds (so I don't cut my fingers off trying to slice my bread, because I'm so shaky from the painkillers), Lemon Lover's Hummus and whole wheat pita bread and she got me two packs of CAMEL light 100's. I fucking love Camel's but I never can afford them. My mom has done nothing but protect, support and spoil me today. OH! And she bought me Cadbury Creme Eggs. I love those sons o' bitches. Tomorrow, I'm getting sunglasses because I've been borrowing everyone else's because my eyes are so sensitive with the painkillers. I'm really happy my mum is here to ease me into this new daily pain. It's going to be tough to get used to again, but I'll have to learn. No matter what I say, I love my mom. She's the best.

Sick of being sick

2008-02-25T00:13:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning with my mind ablaze, laying on a couch that's more like a giant pillow you sink into and it breaks your neck. I tried to ignore the constant aching but suppressing the pain is only temporary. I try and try but it's like that nightmare that wakes you up and keeps you alert for the rest of the day ahead, but leaves you in a funk. I wake up with it and go to sleep with it. It's that boyfriend you hate. I keep pushing away the pain with copious amounts of water, pain killers and cigarettes, to no avail. This has got to let up some time. I don't have the capacity to deal with it. I just want an escape. I feel crazy, my tests and blood work come up negative for everything. There's no proof that I'm in pain at all. My mind is racing. It's easy to sleep through the day, but when night falls, I'm up. I suppose it's all the stress I'm under, I need some time to think it all out. A time when I can just ride one train of thought, uninterrupted. Finishing a thought here is difficult.

I keep waking up the same way, in pain and slightly confused as to why he's always in my dreams. I start my day the same, almost everyday. I pop a Vicodin and try to sort out the bizarre dreams I had the night before. More so, trying to sort out why I care. In any case, I'm off to try to sleep. When I wake up, he better not be in my head. It's not that I dislike the dreams or that I'm not capable of sorting the thoughts out, it's more that he simply doesn't belong there.

First impressions are always right.

2008-02-19T14:54:00.000-05:00

I'm guessing the world is round because I've being running and running and I just can't seem to find the end. I suppose it's complex thing, the world.

Anyway. This is where I'll write down whatever pops into my head.